Just want to talk

Hello there. I know, this whole bit is a bit strange. But for once, I just want to shoot from the hip. No free write, no focused topic. Just talk. Admittedly I often feel this way, but keep myself from saying a thing because I don’t have a point of focus. The times I make free writes it usually starts with random thoughts, but I often know where I want to go. Now…it’s kind of like those weird drawings I’ll sometimes do, where I have no idea what I’m making, and the entire point is to trust that something inside me knows what I’m doing. Most of the time it ends up being for little more reason than the joy of being able to do it. 

These days I’m feeling less bound up than I used to, and yet the old habits make it difficult to do this as easily as I’d like. Still, it’s  easier now, and that’s progress I’ll happily take. It’s a weird feeling, knowing that the walls are coming down, I’m more fully inhabiting the life I’ve been given, and the pupating is almost over. I’d always thought I would burst out of my cocoon violently, yet that hasn’t been the case at all. Heh, I shouldn’t be surprised, considering I normally don’t flourish in harsh conditions. I have no idea what form this change is going to take. But for once, I’m more curious than scared. And I am so grateful to feel this way. 



‚Äč(Free write) Thinking about what’s my motivation as an artist. Reading my singing book yesterday (and other sources of info on performing), they mentioned it being all about your audience, etc. This may mean that I’m exceedingly selfish, and if that’s so I don’t like looking it in the eye, but…when I hear that, it doesn’t feel like enough of a reason. It feels like, “Well, there are people out there to be entertained, so entertain them”. I can’t help but feel a “So what?” to that idea. Why should I? Because I can? Because I like to sing? I’m a bit afraid of becoming an attention whore if I dedicate myself to my audience in that way, as if they’re the only ones who can give me value. I want my relationship to my audience and my experiences as a performer to be about us, not me or them- about the unusual creature that comes about when two or more people inhabit the same emotional space for a time. What I mean about that is finding a motivation that makes me excited to share myself in that way, to make that connection, that conversation meaningful. I think that’s part of why blogging has been so hard for me. So many people in my life telling me, “Well, you write a lot in your personal life, and you’re pretty good at it, so why not?” I did, but now I feel like, “Why should I?” I can make so many other choices in my life. Why should something as simple as ability define all the reasons why to do it, and pursue it like this? This is something meaningful to me, which is why I do it. Maybe I’m asking for too much, but a like for doing it isn’t enough.
What do you want it to be?
I think this is clashing with my normal tendencies. There are very few people I allow very close to me- at this point in my life it’s two. But my writing, my music- it represents a lot of the thoughts and feelings that matter the very most to me. To share them in such an open format is exactly inverse to my tendencies in personal relationships. I think I’m struggling to reconcile them, which is why I tend to disappear for so long, worrying I’ve said too much. And I ask myself if I want that tendency to change, if I want to be open with more people on a personal level. I don’t know if I do.  It’s a weird thing, living my life playing peek-a-boo.