Just want to talk

Hello there. I know, this whole bit is a bit strange. But for once, I just want to shoot from the hip. No free write, no focused topic. Just talk. Admittedly I often feel this way, but keep myself from saying a thing because I don’t have a point of focus. The times I make free writes it usually starts with random thoughts, but I often know where I want to go. Now…it’s kind of like those weird drawings I’ll sometimes do, where I have no idea what I’m making, and the entire point is to trust that something inside me knows what I’m doing. Most of the time it ends up being for little more reason than the joy of being able to do it. 

These days I’m feeling less bound up than I used to, and yet the old habits make it difficult to do this as easily as I’d like. Still, it’s  easier now, and that’s progress I’ll happily take. It’s a weird feeling, knowing that the walls are coming down, I’m more fully inhabiting the life I’ve been given, and the pupating is almost over. I’d always thought I would burst out of my cocoon violently, yet that hasn’t been the case at all. Heh, I shouldn’t be surprised, considering I normally don’t flourish in harsh conditions. I have no idea what form this change is going to take. But for once, I’m more curious than scared. And I am so grateful to feel this way. 

Free writes

Just to keep the keys clicking

Free write

I’ve overthought it again. And have done so for so long that this blog has remained quiet while I thought about it. And thought about it. And worried about it. And hated it. And forgot about it. It’s not what I want, but it helped me realize why I started, and how this is another rule that needs to change. I started this blog to punish myself. It was something I have done before, something I forced myself into, but gave up since I didn’t feel like I was enough for the task. This isn’t the first; it’s just the only one still alive. Starting under such a negative framework, where do I go from here?

Rewriting. It seems that’s what so much of the way I see things needs. A rewrite. I’m still operating under the rules of an old life manual, long past the time where the machines have broken down and all the rules have shown themselves to be obsolete. Worse, the rules were largely based on lies, or a very skewed perspective. I’m not going to argue if this basis for the new manual is perfect, but it’s definitely better, because it allows me to do things for the very reason I really wanted to start. Because there is love there, for communicating, for knowing my fingers aren’t making this pleasant noise against the keys simply for an odd music. I’m attracted to this, I love this, because I can do it, and fear needs to step aside.

This has taken me to a new place. I wasn’t expecting to assess so much of why I do what I do, but knowing that I can change this course has me feeling hopeful, in a very new way.