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Peek-a-boo

‚Äč(Free write) Thinking about what’s my motivation as an artist. Reading my singing book yesterday (and other sources of info on performing), they mentioned it being all about your audience, etc. This may mean that I’m exceedingly selfish, and if that’s so I don’t like looking it in the eye, but…when I hear that, it doesn’t feel like enough of a reason. It feels like, “Well, there are people out there to be entertained, so entertain them”. I can’t help but feel a “So what?” to that idea. Why should I? Because I can? Because I like to sing? I’m a bit afraid of becoming an attention whore if I dedicate myself to my audience in that way, as if they’re the only ones who can give me value. I want my relationship to my audience and my experiences as a performer to be about us, not me or them- about the unusual creature that comes about when two or more people inhabit the same emotional space for a time. What I mean about that is finding a motivation that makes me excited to share myself in that way, to make that connection, that conversation meaningful. I think that’s part of why blogging has been so hard for me. So many people in my life telling me, “Well, you write a lot in your personal life, and you’re pretty good at it, so why not?” I did, but now I feel like, “Why should I?” I can make so many other choices in my life. Why should something as simple as ability define all the reasons why to do it, and pursue it like this? This is something meaningful to me, which is why I do it. Maybe I’m asking for too much, but a like for doing it isn’t enough.
What do you want it to be?
I think this is clashing with my normal tendencies. There are very few people I allow very close to me- at this point in my life it’s two. But my writing, my music- it represents a lot of the thoughts and feelings that matter the very most to me. To share them in such an open format is exactly inverse to my tendencies in personal relationships. I think I’m struggling to reconcile them, which is why I tend to disappear for so long, worrying I’ve said too much. And I ask myself if I want that tendency to change, if I want to be open with more people on a personal level. I don’t know if I do.  It’s a weird thing, living my life playing peek-a-boo. 

Voice chats

Accepting art as I know it

Hi, all,

Yep, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. Pardon my volume- making these with a fan in the background and dubstep in my ears is likely not a good idea, and a point for the books. Hope everyone’s having a wonderful Wednesday!

Voice chats

What’s to come

Hey, everyone,

Voice chat on some of the new things to come on adequatelyme.net. And yes, I know, very stuffy! Ugh. It’s the rain, I tell you; my allergies are always exacerbated by rain. *meep* Hope everyone has a wonderful Friday!

Free writes

I love the way this makes me feel

Free write

Trying not to think of dates, but instead of what has now captured my thoughts and air. I’m just letting my fingers go. Fly, find your rhythm, the one that leads to creativity, or expression. Yes, the one that isn’t affected by anything else around. Except for the music. And the music takes me…

I can feel the chill of a not yet warm ocean, the hot sun trying to return warmth to me, sand soft one minute and firm the next. Just the thoughts close my eyes as I hold my breath and sink, for no other reason but to be a part of this huge thing, this ecosystem, this attractive and vital liquid. Here, I can just exist-why is that thought so exciting? I’m alive. We’re alive. We exist. Up and down, in and out, the cycle- and here, not even the thought of it ending can scare me.

I can feel the weight of a heavy head of wet hair as I come up for air- the wonderful nothingness I inhale that feels so very good. When I close my eyes, I can almost be one with you. One with the never ending feeling of the tide trying to make me dance and make me stand still, inviting and declining over and over. It’s so real, my shoulders hurt slightly from the burn of an unseasonably hot sun. I shiver. It’s time to go.

I’m in awe that music can do that, take me on the most realistic of daydreams. Within that place, I feel like an immeasurably giant creature in pieces, in a cycle of running into itself and inevitably finding itself awash in the breadth of its own existence. To be given that feeling by others…I just love the way this makes me feel.

 

Inspiration- “Underwater” by Mika

Free writes

Change in feelings

Free write

There was a time I would have said there was no give for the feeling of being this way, in love with being alive. Not for any save those who were born of this magic. Now, more and more, I am finding that changing. I have what it takes to let those who want to feel it, feel it, if they want to. Is this my motivator? Is this what keeps my fingers clacking against the keys day in and day out, even on those days when I am so uncertain of what I am doing? It can’t be about anything else, I don’t think. I’ve tried it all. I’ve tried obligation. I tried the expectations of others. I tried experimentation. I even tried doing it because I could. But inevitably it made progress require so much force out of me that I grew to hate it. I thought I hated writing. It seemed so slippery, something I needed all my will to do.

But within, and through all the years of forcing it, it was there. It always has, and, I suspect always will be. I am possessed of a love for expression, a love so strong it terrifies me and keeps me awake nights, breathless as I realize how much of a hold it has on me. And I love that feeling. Yet I admit it did isolate me. Only here and there in my life have I seen others gripped so strongly by this love. But now, I see we all can be. We’re just afraid of saying so, for some reason. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t know, frankly, if I’ll ever achieve the fearlessness I wish to have. But I do know I don’t want to let it stop me. I’ve been able to step over it before, and I can do it again. And again. And again. I can touch, just as I have been touched. I want to give others the love that the expressions of others have given to me. Because it’s so utterly wonderful.