Lovely List

Lovely list: drinks (non-buzzy)

I had the pleasure of going to a novelty store in town the other day, and how happy I was to discover their selection of wonderful drinkables! It was ramune, mostly, but they did have quite the selection of teas, too. And wouldn’t you know it, the prettiest tea set in pale green, complete with cherry blossoms (though we’re coming out of season now). Here, take a look:

I expect a tiny tea fairy to pop out of the top at any moment.

So pretty! One day I shall find a tea set with the offset handle (like this) that’s to my liking. But until then…

So this got me thinking about some of my favorite things to drink. Not just because of how they taste, but because the whole experience of consuming them. Then I thought, “Why not make a lovely list out of it?” And here we are. My favorite drinkables are:

-Chocolate milk: There is no better way to enjoy this drink than made with ice cold milk (actual ice in your glass is up to you), poured out in a tall glass, and sipped slowly from a purple straw. Trust me. The purple straw is the key to full chocolately bliss. An alternative to the purple straw is to sip it from the spoon used to stir the mixture, like soup. Truly. Just enjoy it slowly.

Rooibos tea: if you’re not a tea type, totally understand. I’d say perhaps it’s a bit of an acquired taste, but there are so many very delicious varieties out there. Strawberry chocolate is among my tops for rooibos. And it helps keep my allergies under control, so I love it for that.There is little that calms me quite like it, except for…

Matcha (powdered Japanese green tea): Ordinarily I like it hot and traditionally prepared, but I had a milk based version of it the other day. The comfort level it induced could only have been increased if I had been wearing my favorite (read: ratty) bathrobe and fuzzy slippers, rocking gently in a hammock on a mild spring afternoon. Oh the cozies…

-Coffee: my husband is coffee making king! Admittedly he makes it a little weaker than I do, but it’s always satisfying. When it’s my turn to make the coffee, something always seems…lacking. *meep* Coffee doesn’t buzz me, it relaxes me. Well, okay, it makes me sleepy, but that’s close to relaxing, right?

-Snapple mango madness: also something that requires a straw for full enjoyment (color is optional). Makes me think of happy things.

-Pineapple juice: happiness in tiny cans. Yeah, I’m kind of a sucker for those little 6 oz cans. Why does pineapple juice come in cans, anyway?

Rose lemonade: I discovered this at one of our local import stores, and sadly they don’t carry it anymore. I do understand how the flowery flavor might put some off, but really, it’s just light and elegant. Not overly sweet, and the lemon and ginger flavors compliment each other wonderfully (and I do not normally like ginger.) Drinking it is somehow reminiscent of sitting on a breezy deck watching the sun set over green hills.

-Vanilla milk: no, I’m not talking about the powdered stuff. I mean a couple of teaspoons of real vanilla extract in a cup of hot milk, along with a dash of sugar. That stuff is almost as bad as lavender in terms of how sleepy it makes me.

-Rose tea: it’s definitely got a much stronger kick of flowers when compared to the lemonade mentioned above, but it has mood stabilizing properties and goes beautifully unsweetened and paired with shortbread cookies!

-Just milk: is there anything like plain, cold (iceless) milk? Whole, of course. I know some folks just can’t stand drinking milk plain, but what else compliments a sweet baked dessert like cow juice? Soda? I think not.

-Water: a thirst quencher like no other. And it’s the only beverage I can drink more than 12 oz of at a time. Just…lovely.

Ahem! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to fish out my tea tins and help myself to a few hot cups. What are some of your favorite drinks! Be sure to let me know in the comments!

Voice chats

Accepting art as I know it

Hi, all,

Yep, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. Pardon my volume- making these with a fan in the background and dubstep in my ears is likely not a good idea, and a point for the books. Hope everyone’s having a wonderful Wednesday!

Voice chats

What’s to come

Hey, everyone,

Voice chat on some of the new things to come on And yes, I know, very stuffy! Ugh. It’s the rain, I tell you; my allergies are always exacerbated by rain. *meep* Hope everyone has a wonderful Friday!


Using the word “disrespect” in close relationships

The words “respect” and “disrespect” have a rather strict connotation for me. To respect someone, in my mind, goes beyond the dictionary’s “holding someone in high esteem or honor”. It also implies a set of behaviors born out of obligation. Think of a child’s first interactions with the word. “Respect your parents. Respect your elders. Stop whistling loudly and playing with your nose; it’s disrespectful”. To act rudely is to act disrespectfully. And to stray into behaviors most comfortable to you is often so as well. “Well, I respect so and so, so I won’t talk about politics around him, or ask her about her dinged up car.” Yet those are the kind of things we can do when we’re around someone we trust, someone we are close with. We may do so gently and slowly at first, but when we get close to someone, we engage in behaviors we wouldn’t otherwise.

And while the phrase “Respect is earned” is so often tossed around, this isn’t usually the case when trying to forge a close relationship. Who starts out a relationship treating a possible mate like garbage, until the day it is decided that the chosen “SO material” is worthy of better treatment? That only happens in cases where there is an initial belief that a given person isn’t worthy of respect. And, let’s be real- that’s usually a person most of us don’t want to date, or even spend time with. Respect is commanded, when, say, a woman won’t put up with unwanted comments about her appearance, or a man won’t tolerate incessant teasing. In those instances, neither is asking for the chance to earn better treatment. The message is, “Give me respect, or I walk.”

But using that word once intimacy is established trips me up. If, say, my husband decided to have a laugh at my expense in front of others, and I were to talk with him about it afterwards, I wouldn’t tell him he “disrespected” me, even if it is the case. I’d tell him I didn’t like it, that it bothered me, but to use “disrespect” on him changes the state of the offense. It implies a distance, a lack of trust and acceptance that our relationship isn’t based on. Frankly, for me to say, “I respect (someone)” is to say I don’t have a close relationship with them.

Yet I know of and have observed several instances where girlfriends/boyfriends and husbands/wives use it to talk about the transgressions of their significant other. “It’s so disrespectful when he goes out every week without telling me.” “She is so disrespectful of my space and my interests.” From where I’m standing, it doesn’t imply equal footing. To use the same term on a loved one as you would with someone who is, on some level, “better” than you (your boss, elders, someone powerful, etc), someone who forces your best behavior out of you- it’s confusing. It’s not the idea of respect that bothers me. It’s the use of the term, a term so often used to imply the relationship between a superior and a subordinate. Respect is consideration without love.


I’d love feedback on this one! Leave your thoughts in the comments!


Pain makes me a better person

Have you ever struggled with belief: belief that life truly is good, that good things are in store for you, and that one day you’ll see the work you put towards the things you want pay off?

Truly, I never struggled much with most of these thoughts. At times I’d think the things I wanted in life might be compromised by one life event or another, but deep down I knew, if I pressed and pushed and kept going, I’d see the flash of light as reality dawned on my dreams.

But there’s one belief that’s lurked in the background, with regards to what I’ve wanted most in life. The belief that somehow, it was written in my destiny not to have it, and my life would be defined by my longing for it, and the subsequent suffering my longing would cause.

Eventually I had to ask. Why is it that I can see myself easily with anything I’ve ever wanted in life, but not this, my deepest desire? And I realized- it’s because I don’t believe I should have it. More specifically, I believe the pain of not having it is better suited to me than the joy of having it.


Life started in a strange place for me. Early on I learned from my parents that I couldn’t rely on lasting impressions of good times. Things had to eventually turn bad. Pain and sorrow had to come. Eventually I believed it was what my parents wanted for me. And so I internalized the belief that pain makes me a better person. Life is stable, and things are the way they ought to be, when my soul is filled with it.

Now, this is something most people are surprised to learn about me, as I was to learn about myself. Generally speaking I have an upbeat attitude and tend towards optimism. So when I tried to rationalize the two, I then realized why, contrary to expectations for people like me, I didn’t repeat patterns of pain when it came to my relationships and my marriage.

Because that kind of suffering wouldn’t be enough. Even though time did finally show me I expected pain from my husband too.

What kind of pain would be worse than the pain of a lifetime longing unfulfilled?

Truly, when I finally had to come to grips with the truth of the beliefs I had internalized about myself over the years, and forced myself to admit them out loud to my husband, a sick pleasure came over me, as my subconscious mind said, “That’s the pathetic creature you are. The way you’re supposed to be.”


Not anymore.

I’ve seen what can happen when I let that go, and follow the things I want. When I help others, and don’t worry about not being enough. I’ve seen the good and the bad I can do, and believing things like this only holds me back. No one benefits from my suffering. But everyone can benefit from my blessing, if I allow myself to realize how blessed I am. I am sitting down with my book of life’s rules in my lap, and it is time to undo all the lessons scrawled in there meant to keep me bound and predictable. And the first new lesson that must be entered is:

I am blessed.

Voice chats

Late payment *wink*

Hi, everyone,

It’s been a while since my last voice memos, partially because of my wisdom teeth and being busy, but mostly because it still makes me nervous! Time to shake it off and go!

Anyway, these are a little short, but they were sort of fun to do. You’ll hear vocal changes in the third song- I can’t help it; that’s how the character sings it, and I can’t help but follow suit! Might do more like this, though it’s more likely to be original compositions in the future. Let me know if you have any requests!


Songs: “Serenata” -Luis Laguna

 “Bokutachi Wa Kore Kara” – Ranma 1/2/DoCo

“Akane No Komoriuta”- Ranma 1/2/Noriko Hidaka

Lovely List

Wonderfuls that get me smiling

A fun new song on the radio while driving in the spring time, windows down, and enjoying warm air after a long cold winter.

Curling up with a good book or a good show and realizing that once you’re done, there’s nothing else you have to do but get in your sleepies and get ready for bed.

Seeing something you’ve been planning for a long time finally falling into place.

Daydreaming about the next big plan and the steps to get there.

Realizing something you thought was terrible…actually didn’t turn out all that bad. Maybe it even makes you proud. Or inexplicably content.

Looking around at what you have and feeling really, deeply thankful.

Laughing as hard at something as you did when you first came across it, even if it was 20+ years ago.

Silly songs.

Sweet kitties (or puppies for me doggy people).

Feeling like you’ve been stranded in a horrible storm of life for months or years, until you’re finally at the place where the phrase, “It will be okay” is finally able to have any meaning for you.


What are the things that made you smile today?

Free writes

I love the way this makes me feel

Free write

Trying not to think of dates, but instead of what has now captured my thoughts and air. I’m just letting my fingers go. Fly, find your rhythm, the one that leads to creativity, or expression. Yes, the one that isn’t affected by anything else around. Except for the music. And the music takes me…

I can feel the chill of a not yet warm ocean, the hot sun trying to return warmth to me, sand soft one minute and firm the next. Just the thoughts close my eyes as I hold my breath and sink, for no other reason but to be a part of this huge thing, this ecosystem, this attractive and vital liquid. Here, I can just exist-why is that thought so exciting? I’m alive. We’re alive. We exist. Up and down, in and out, the cycle- and here, not even the thought of it ending can scare me.

I can feel the weight of a heavy head of wet hair as I come up for air- the wonderful nothingness I inhale that feels so very good. When I close my eyes, I can almost be one with you. One with the never ending feeling of the tide trying to make me dance and make me stand still, inviting and declining over and over. It’s so real, my shoulders hurt slightly from the burn of an unseasonably hot sun. I shiver. It’s time to go.

I’m in awe that music can do that, take me on the most realistic of daydreams. Within that place, I feel like an immeasurably giant creature in pieces, in a cycle of running into itself and inevitably finding itself awash in the breadth of its own existence. To be given that feeling by others…I just love the way this makes me feel.


Inspiration- “Underwater” by Mika


What I’ve been up to

I know usually Wednesday is an audio, and Thursday is a free write, but I was a little…well, unwell for doing a voice memo entry yesterday. I had my wisdom teeth removed a few days ago. I know, it’s something usually done in the teen years, but I was ready now, so that’s how it happened.

All things considered it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. I was awake during the procedure, though I did opt for Valium to help calm my nerves. In the past, I had been given Valium I.V. for other procedures and it never made me anywhere near as sleepy as other benzodiazepines, so I decided it might be just the thing to take the edge off. In hindsight, I likely would have had the same effect if I had just taken the water sans pill. ‘sigh’

My main source of nervousness came from the administration of anesthetic. In the past, my dentist had used prilocaine, a local anesthetic with a relatively short duration, which had worked well for the small amount of work I needed. But for a procedure like an extraction, he opted for lidocaine, which in the past had left me numb for up to 8 hours. And there are few feelings I hate more than the sensation of being numb. But there was nothing I could do, so to the best of my ability I sat still and tried not to think of the next 8 hours of nothingness my mouth would be subjected to.

You might be thinking, “What? Are you mad? Would you rather the pain of having four teeth yanked out of your mouth?” Well, not while it’s being done, no. But I can’t adjust to a pain I can’t feel, and the sooner I can feel it, the sooner that process can begin, even if adjusting does initially involve a few hours of me clutching a pillow, pinching the tiny space between my eyes and saying, “Oh my gosh, this hurts,” in a hushed breath over and over. ‘shrug’ Just the way I prefer it.

But lucky me! After my initial freak out (when as they were going to start I flung myself upright, realizing that cracking and crunching sounds were soon to follow), I decided to let it happen, telling myself, “Your only responsibility is to focus on your nose, breathing in and out”. And that’s what I did. And even when they reached my bottom teeth (which were not completely numb- the inner back quadrants still had sensation), I decided I was not going to say a thing and have to get shot again. My only responsibility was focusing on my nose, breathing in and out.

(Okay, yes, it did occur to me that I might hit the ceiling if the sensation was too much, but I just knew I could handle the pain, so I did. It actually wasn’t that bad, but the crunching and twisting was very funky.)

And lucky me again! Instead of having to endure 8 hours of numbness, I only had to put up with about 3, which left me to get in touch with that new feeling in my mouth. But boy, was I surprised. For whatever reason, the feeling was nothing like what I was expecting (achy, tight, pounding jaws and cheeks). It almost felt like I’d had braces put on. The shifting soreness from molar to incisor, the “gappy” feeling between my cheek and gums (caused, in this case, by swelling). This was easy! This, I could put up with. Even if it does make me grumpy. Just a little. A touch. A tick.

It’s been a couple days and I’m not doing too bad. Talking a lot hurts, as does being too active. Frankly, my body almost feels like it’s battling a cold or something like that. The swollen lymph nodes in my neck were actually the most painful part of it all; so much so that for the first night, I could barely move my neck without pain, and had to resort to tiny finger massages to help relieve the feeling (and that in and of itself was very painful). But I got along well enough without needing painkillers, and I am soo grateful all those teeth are gone and I don’t have any more to remove! Thanks for everything, wizzies. It was…I dunno, it just WAS! I’m off for a delightful sundae cup. Yum.

But I miss my nice hot teas.

Q to you: have you ever been so unwilling to get re-numbed for a procedure that you simply kept still and dealt with whatever pain came your way? Let me know in the comments!



No more Ms. Mousian

Aaaand…I wasn’t satisfied with the free write, so here I am again. What can I say? When my writer side is awakened, not even a horse dose of Ambien can put it back to bed. I gotta wear this sucker out.

Doing this blog has, like I’ve mentioned repeatedly in my “voice memo thingies”, simply been an exercise in pushing the boundaries of what makes me comfortable. Adopting the title of “writer” is not something that has come easily. I rejected it for so very long because it seemed like it came with a lifestyle that wasn’t “naturally” mine, and one I was completely unwilling to take. Not to mention, it was something that was pushed on me at a very early age, and all my life I have resisted easy classification. I’d see my peers happily take on such limiting titles as “The Brain”, “The Jock”, “The Artist”, and I wanted absolutely no part of it. To me, it felt like taking one on would have a serious impact on what I would likely focus my attention on. If I was to take on a title, it was going to be one of my own choosing.

If you’re wondering, “What is this ‘writer lifestyle’ she was so scared of?” It was the lifestyle of a writer who was a compulsive composer, a slave to the written word, and mostly, one who shares his or her thoughts and passions easily- which I believed was the only writer to be. For a time it was very easy to hide my inner self behind pretty words or flowery sentences. But passion? That odd magnetism that drew pencils to my fingers and blank pages to my lap? I didn’t have what it took to reveal mine. Mine had to be protected from those invested in changing me into their ideal person. I was a mouse, overly concerned for my survival, when all the while I was safe in a cage, and everything I needed was in reach. I couldn’t risk anything, or at least, would only make the smallest risks, the only things my tiny mouse heart could bear.

And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of acting like a mouse, consumed by passion on the inside, but devoid of all signs of it on the outside. I’m tired of going with the thoughts that say, essentially, that there is no point in my expression. It’s like saying, “There’s no point to crying, because you’ve shed tears before”. “There’s no point to laughter, because you’ve filled a room with laughter before.” Or, “Others have wept and laughed better than you”. I want the “wow, I did that”. The one that only comes after the “wow, I can’t believe I did that”. This is part of that step.