It’s been…ok, I don’t even know how long I’ve been doing this. (I could check, but then I’d have to erase that starting sentence and it feels more impactful this way.) However long it’s been, it’s been a long, strange, difficult ride trying to learn how (read: force myself into) into being less shy and sharing meaningfully. I’ve talked around it before, but mostly it’s been a sense of obligation that’s gotten me this far. But, as my posting schedule has made clear, it hasn’t been enough.
New Year celebrations can make you think of all sorts of things, all sorts of ways to change and improve. While I’m normally not the type to make resolutions or promise any big changes, for once I want to take the opportunity to make a change that really, I’ve wanted all along. As I’ve mentioned in posts past, I’ve struggled with both anxiety and depression for many years, and in the past 6 or so months I’ve finally felt free of the worst of the depression. It gave me an opportunity to deal with my anxiety one on one, something I’d never done before. It also helped me to realize that keeping myself back so much has played a role in some of my depressive thoughts, as well as my anxious ones. In this…there have been so many times I’ve wanted to write about so many things. So many times I’d pull up the page and have my hands curled over the keyboard, ready to go, only to say, “What’s the point?” and shut it all down. So many times I’ve wanted to connect, but ran away, connecting only to anxiety. Honestly, I want to do the same right now. But this cycle…I’ve fought with health issues, traumas, lack of energy, spirals of negative thoughts, intense psychic pain, panic attacks, PTSD, and suicidal thoughts, sometimes to the point where thinking about suicide was the highlight of my day- a fantasy I enjoyed. But I decided that despite all that, I was going to stay here. If I’m staying, then things have to get better. Sometimes it means believing beyond what the odds say, and doing the opposite of what all your negative conditioning tells you. Anxiety has been my caretaker for so long (more on that in another post), but I’m grown up now, and there are things I want to do.
So hello. My name is Jenilee. I live with my husband, three kitties, and one puppy in lovely Oregon, where we have adventures in Oregon. (Not really sure what that means.) My passions are writing, singing, tea, and doing my nails. (Seriously. I have about 220 polishes at the moment. Small time compared to some, but I’m proud of it.) I was born with a rare form of muscular dystrophy, so working has become more difficult, but most days I do pretty well.
So where do things go from here? Honestly I’m not sure, though for once I’m not worried about it. I realize that I’ve been selfish about this whole prospect. For those who have been reading and keeping up with this blog, thank you. A gigantic thank you, for connecting even through all the times of disconnect. It’s been too long that I’ve been inconsistent here, for fear of saying something stupid or pointless or that sort of thing. But maybe the point is to risk sounding stupid or not making any sense. And to risk sounding wonderful and making perfect sense. I’m scared of that too. Those who are reading who might also be battling anxiety- let’s be scared together and plunge through anyway. Thank you again.