Learning to be

(Free write) Thinking of so many things. Learning not to be embarrassed of myself. Sometimes it surprises me that I’m not only ashamed of the things I’ve been through and haven’t done, but embarrassed of what I like and what I need. Embarrassed to be, a lot of the time. Right now I don’t really want to think of a solution, just to talk about it. It makes me sad to think about, and a little confused, because for a long time I thought that was completely normal. And I think for some people, for some things, that’s so, but when I think of how long I’ve let that hold me back…I think it’s too much. It’s almost like I’m ashamed to be alive. I’m not saying that in a depressive sense, but just realizing that I’ve let that shame prevent me from expanding into the fullest dimensions of my existance…yeah, it makes me sad. Not yet inspired to do a 180 and spill out everything I’ve been holding back, but rather to take those things out of their boxes, look at them in the light of the sun, value them, and from there, put them on display. It’s actually a beautiful bit of imagery, when I think of it from that perspective.